Things not to do at Hogwarts
by Super Potterhead and Fangirl
Summary: Hermione is dared to create a list of things to do not at Hogwarts. She is then dared to actually do the list. It's just going to be short stories.
1. Imitate Steve Irwin

It wasn't a normal day. Not at all for me. It was hilarious really how the halfbloods smirked and the muggleborns giggled. The best part was the purebloods confused looks.

"Right 'O so we have a little ankle bitter." I said looking at the baby flobberworms. Ron was looking at me confused, Harry was smirking, and Hagrid looked very disgruntled.

"Hermione what's an ankle bitter?" Hagrid questioned.

"Well wouldn't you like to know." I replied cooley.

"Gosh Hagrid." Seamus said in his best Australian is.

"You think you know a person." Harry said in his Australian accent.

"I guess we were wrong." Dean said.

"Hagrid didn't know who Steve Irwin is." I replied.

"Who?" Hagrid questioned in his perfectly Scottish accent.

"Oh I've heard of him." Ron said before doubling over when I elbowed him. "He's the muggle you." He said in a high pitched accent.

"Muggle me. No one can be me." Hagrid said confused.

"No you don't understand really. He's just like you." Dean said.

"Except Australian." Harry explained.

"And thinner." Seamus continued.

"And muggle." Ron snorted.

"And of course interested in much more... dangerous animals." I said smugly. Hook line and sinker.

"What could be more dangerous than Buckbeak." Hagrid said.

"So you admit that bloody chicken is dangerous." Draco said.

"What I never said that." Hagrid said horrified.

"That's it my father shall here about this."

That is how all the muggleborns, halfbloods, and one Draco malfoy and one Ron Weasley ended up in detention. By imitating Steve Irwin.

**So this is another story that will just involve humour and will be dribbles about five hundred words and smaller. I got the idea from this list of things not to do at Hogwarts and I came up with the idea of Hermione doing them. By the way. Anybody interested in my other story if you want an update you gotta review. **


	2. I told you I was hardcore

I got detention with the horrifying Umbridge. I sat at a desk with Harry next to me. Godric her room is pink.

"Dear. You must write your lines. How about, 'I am an insufferable know it all." She supplied and I cringed. Well that was rude. I smirked as I began to write the line.

Soon enough the words were being cut. It hurt like hell and would still be there when I would die. I am going to Fred for tricking me into doing this.

When detention was over I had blood running down my arm. Tomorrow I had to go into the great hall and act natural. With the sleeves rolled up. I am going to kill Frederick Gideon Weasley.

I cleaned the cut and could see the words clearly. George is going to get a kick out of this. He made the list of course. Fred tricked me into doing it. And being the Gryffindor I am I had to do every single one on the list. I wasn't exactly looking forward to Number eight. Or eight point five. Or four. Or any of them really.

~(*.*~)(~*.*)~

I had walked down the hall and set my covered hand on the table.

"Granger." The annoying twins voices called in unison. "Let us take a look at your hand."

I rolled my eyes before holding it up to them.

"Fred." George said in a starstruck voice. "She actually did it."

"Granger. You did what. Probably something stupid." Draco said butting in like always.

"I told you I was hardcore." I said quoting my hand.

"Miss. Granger." The shrill voice of professor Umbridge said. "I told you to write, 'I am an insufferable know it all."

The crazy pink bat then took my hand. "Miss. Granger. You wrote 'I told you I was hardcore. This calls for another detention."

So that was how I got a standing ovation... for cutting myself. This school really does need better teachers.

**Not my best chapter I must say but it did explain who wrote the list. Hermione just helped. L8tr gators.**


	3. Draw a Darkmark

Today is number three and I was terrified of doing this. I sat in potions class with a sharpie in one hand and a picture of what a dark mark looks like in the other hand. I had already finished my potion so it wasn't like I would get in trouble or anything.

My partner who just happened to be Harry was sound asleep. I took the sharpie and pulled his left arm from under his head. He stirred but didn't get up. I took the cap off and began drawing the skull. He didn't even move. I had finished the snake right when Snape had bellowed, "Class dismissed."

Harry woke up and I went out of the class. I could hear him scream and curse. I was really hoping that Harry hadn't smeared the dark mark.

"Detention Pott- could you explain why you have a DARK MARK on your arm." Snape said angrily. "You are coming with me."

The rumors are going to be spread and even though Harry isn't that bright he is going to figure it out.

"I can explain this. I can explain." Harry screamed as of he had been arrested for murder. He kinda was since mini deatheaters mostly killed.

"Snape," Dumbledore said dreamlike as if he was on the same stuff Luna was on, "it was just a prank how could you be so cold hearted."

"Cold hearted. COLD HEARTED." Snape yelled. This wasn't my best prank. "THIS ISN'T A PRANK. This idiotic boy is a criminal."

"Gosh. Just unwind Snape. We all can't be as awesome as me and Efron but seriously just cool it." Dumbledore said as if he was drunk and leaned an a seventh year.

"Efron. Who's this Efron person and why am I not some of the awe?" Snape said now offended. Harry was confused. Many people had gathered around.

"Efron. Is actually a Zack Efron and is the most amazing person ever." Dumbledore defended. "He is awesome because he wouldn't throw a kid in jail for having a fake dark mark on his arm.

After a very heated debate a confused Harry slipped in the crowd next to me.

"Hermione I'm going to get you for this."

"Took you a good time minutes to figure it out."

"What's gotten into you."

"The list."

"The list?"

And this is how Snape and Dumbledore aren't on speaking terms Harry is scared of me even more, Fred and George practically praise the ground I walk on. Oh god what have I gotten myself into.

**lol. I can just picture a confused Harry a drunk Dumbledore and a frustrated Snape. Okay so I was thinking that if I get one review I will update tomorrow or the nnext day.**


	4. Seamus is after me lucky charms

**Ooo, this is new my first authors note before a story. Interesting. I don't like it. This chapter will contain a set of possessive twins and a flirty *cough* like always *cough* Seamus.**

Ugh. I hate Fred and George. I really do. Number four was just embarrassing. Sure enough though I had to dress up for it to. So right now I was dressed in a tank top and a pair of super right jeans. I think my legs might be falling off. No, the blood flow just stopped flowing. I walked down stairs and sat next to the Irish boy.

"Seamus," I started," are you after my lucky charms?"

"What?" He asked confused. I was confused to. I was especially confused to why I had to wear this ridiculously revealing outfit.

"Are. You. After. My. Lucky. Charms?" I enunciated every word, Seamus turned away from the game to actually look at me. He would whistled and I slapped his arm.

"Do you want me to be after them?" He said and I immediately scooted away from him.

"No. Not at all. Not really." I said now being a Hufflepuff. Why can't I be more Slytherin. The hat did suggest that but then dismissed the thought.

"Shame. Anyway I did find a charm bracelet. May I ask why is has Heart, stars, rainbows, clovers, blue moons, hour glasses, and rainbows." He said coyly.

"Thank god you got that reference."

"I am ashamed in you Hermione. Dropping to American references."

"Shut it."

The~(*.*~)next(~*.*)~day

"Hey Hermione." Seamus called the next day earning the attention of everyone.

"Yes Seamus." He bent down and whispered in my ear.

"Am I after your lucky charms?"

I pushed him away, "Yeah right."

"Aw, come on?" He complained. Suddenly Fred and George were behind me.

"Isn't it clear. It was a joke." George said in an over protective brother tone.

"Obviously you can't take a hint." That was Fred.

"Oh really."

"Hemrione." The three boys called only to see I wasn't there. "What the bloody hell."

"I bet she likes me."

"You. Are. Not. Worthy." The twins said in unison.

And that was how the twins for into a fist fight with a Seamus and a Dean who went in, when asked why he would reply with a, "My friend was in trouble." I watched it all from the crowd and smiled. Oh my god the twins are rubbing of off me. Damnit.

**I lied and I feel terrible. Ugh. But since I updated early you guys owe me five reviews. BTW all those who review will get cookies and brownies. All virtual of course.**


	5. Time of the Month

**This one is probably one of the more funny ones because of the awkwardness of the whole situation so without farther ado.. what is ado... maybe someone should explain to in a review. Hint hint.**

I put the list back in my book bag. We were at Grimauld Place and I saw my older professor rushing around and drinking a potion. Well at least it is that time it would be awkward if it wasn't. Who am I kidding. It's awkward any time.

"Lupin, I was wondering something." I said trailing off waiting for him to respond. We stood right outside the kitchen doors next to the staircase.

"Yes Hermione." He answered briskly. He just needs to wait and live in the moment. Oh wait he can't. He could probably turn into something bloodthirsty in five seconds. Meh those things happen right.

"I was wondering if it's your time of the month?" I said. Fred, George, Harry, and Ron had stopped by and were now laughing on the floor. Grabbing their abs which were probably hurting from laughter.

"My what?" Lupin asked thoroughly confused. I would be to I'd a teenaged girl asked a MAN if it was his time of the month.

"Your time of the month." I clarified. "You know where your moody and not yourself and completely crazy for like a week then go back to normal." I explained the side effects of being a girl.

"...Yes, I suppose it is my time of the month." Lupin said. "Not like the menstruation cycle more like the werewolf one where I have a furry little problem." He said hurriedly adding on to the laughing bumbling band of baboons.

"Keep telling yourself that."

"Hermione!" Tonks yelled. Oh crap I am dead. She came through the kitchen doors and looked at me before giving me a high five. "That's the best one I've heard yet."

This is how Remus Lupin was hurriedly getting things ready for his furry transformation, Tonks was congratulating me, Harry, Ron, Fred, and George's respect grew for me, Sirius was writing in a book probably copying the conversation word for word. And I just got done with number five on the list.


	6. Hold Flitwicks wand over his head

**Guess what my lovely readers. I Super Potterhead and Fangirl got my first reviewer. ****_Squeals like a girl and jumps up and down. _****Never speak of that again. Anyway shoutouts go to **

**Bookworm101: Oh my gosh. I couldn't even say the thing Draco said in an Australian accent. It was so hard I just gave up. I laughed so much while writing these.**

Number six... I read number six with dread. I am not doing that I refused to. I then thought of the punishment if I don't finish the list and shivered. Not going to happen. Someone whistled nearby and I saw Fred, George, and Harry were pointing towards flittwick.

I sighed before walking up to the short teacher. "Professor Flitwick... May I please see your wand?" I asked politely with a guilty feeling in my gut.

"Of course Miss Granger." He then handed me his wand. Now readers I don't want you to think less of me but I had to do this other wise I would get severely punished. I held the wand above my head.

"Now I want to test something out. How high can you jump." Sure enough he jumped and jumped and jumped. I had a sad look on my face while everyone else just laughed and laughed and laughed.

He had eventually kicked me which didn't work out while. He had tried to get another student to give him a wand but all of them lied and told them that and I quote,

"I left it in my other pants/skirt."

Those vile creatures how could try lie to teachers. Though I'm sure this is worse. Ugh. I feel sick. I think I might puke. Nope I might just give myself detention with a delusional Lockheart.

"Miss. Granger I am deducting seven hundred points." He threatened and I dropped the wand immediately and ran away not even looking at the fibbing professor who was being paid ten Galleons from McGonagol.

At the very worst Fred, George, Harry, Ron, Dean, Parvati, Lavender, Ginny, Neville, and any other Gryffindor would tease me relentlessly. At the very best... I get detention and no one talks to me. That would be nice. Silence.


	7. Gryffindor's in

Surprisingly enough. I loved number seven. The brilliance of it all was just genius. Sometimes I forget Fred and George are really that smart. I softly approached Ginny who was talking to Luna quit loudly how 'incredibly hot' Colin had become. Luna had put in her thought about him having a crush on Harry which I contemplated it and realised it could happen.

"Um excuse me, Ginny?" I asked watching as the red head turned to me.

"Yeah Hermione." She said taking a gulp of pumpkin juice.

"How do you keep a Gryffindor in suspense?" I said before walking away. Ginny didn't even look away. She looked as if she was trying to find an answer.

~(*.*~)(~*.*)~

The next day I avoided Ginny. She came up to me with Luna and Neville in tow. "HERMIONE I KNOW." She screamed. I had ran away up to a statue with one eye.

With out me even noticing the statue had moved, those two bloody red headed gits had pulled me in. They both were smirking like devils. Magnificently, maliciously, malevolently.

"Well that went well." They said together, as in unison, as in each word was so perfectly timed.

"Do you two practise that?" I asked them.

"Practise what?" The unison again.

"The talking thing."

"No." They said together.

"Ugh you guys are just so... frustrating." I told them.

"Frustrating? And we thought you would like this o-"

"HERMIONE I FOUND IT. I KNOW HOW YOU KEEP A GRYFFINDOR IN SUSPENSE!"

I sighed before letting Fred and George blindfold me, kids do not try this at home, and led me around a couple secret passage ways. I got into the Gryffindor common rooms finding Ginny waiting for me.

"Silencio." I whispered and to I was pretty sure in any other situation I would have made a ton of noise coming up the stairs running like a madwoman.

~(_8^(/) /(^:

"HERMIONE I FIGURED IT OUT." Ginny yelled waking up every single girl in the fifth year dorm. "It's so simple, by telling them a story then stopping them right in the-"

"Ginny, it was a trick question." I explained.

"... I hate you."

That was how every girl in the fifth year hated me for waking up their beauty sleep... don't look at me like that. Sixteen year olds who don't get enough sleep are bloody terrifying.

**Okay this one I siriusly considered it being someone else but in the end I chose Ginny because she was pretty absent in the other ones. Disclaimer I will never ever ever in any lifetime own Harry potter or any of the characters.**


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